Voicemail
by Above the Winter Moonlight
Summary: If comlinks had voicemail, read to find out all the humorous and serious message left behind by friends, family, enemies, annoying businessmen, insane authoresses and many more during the wars and after the wars... T for language
1. Luke Skywalker's Voicemail

**~* I got the idea for this story when I read Mathematica's story, **_**Inbox**_**, I couldn't resist typing up my own version. This story is a slightly AU multi-chapter story. It's AU mainly because it takes place after **_**TESB**_** and Han wasn't frozen in carbonite because Han being there just makes the story all the more funny. **

**It's also AU because many of the businesses and military names are not as they are in canon. I hope that you like it, sorry about it being AU, and this is the first chapter of my humorous multi-chapter, strictly Star Wars, though with me in it, story, reviews are much appreciated. **

**By the way, I'm in it, as my self, so 'nuff said when I say it will be random and not meant to be taken seriously but it won't be as random as **_**Alagaesia Goes Crazy**_** or my author's notes. I'll try to stick as close to Star Wars and not make it too AU and it will jump around a lot. That's why I'm putting when it takes place right next to where it says which voicemail it is.**

* * *

_**Disclaimer- I don't own Star Wars, any of the real life allusions, any of the other world allusions or anything period, except me, and I'm only saying this once so don't bug me about it later.**_

* * *

**Voicemail**

**By xXJedi Knight BlazeXx**

* * *

_**Luke Skywalker's Voicemail**_

**After **_**The Empire Strikes Back**_

* * *

_Hello, you have reached the voicemail box of Rebel and fledgling Jedi Luke Skywalker, um, should I be saying that out loud? Well, it's not like I can change it. Wait, Chewie! What are you doing here? I'm trying to finish my voicemail message. No, I don't know where Han is. I think he said something about going to a cantina. Well it would sound better if you didn't just butt in here. How in the world am I understanding…? Oh right, Threepio. Well, I'd better finish this message before I run out of t…._

**Beep**

Luke, for one, why the kriffing hell did you tell Chewie I was in a Cantina? He's been trying to get me to stop drinking and ya know that ain't gonna to happen. Besides, I was with the _Falcon_ and not in a cantina.

By the way, have you seen the Princess anywhere recently?

Ah, not that I care or anything.

Solo out.

**Beep**

rawg rawgggg rawwwwg! (Translation from Wookie: Why in the world did you tell me Han was in a cantina? You could have just told me you didn't know. Oh well, by the way, I find this cylindrical handle in the _Falcon'_s cockpit. Did you lose your lightsaber _again?!_)

**Beep**

Luke, it's Leia, Mon Mothma and the others want to talk to you about how you keep, ah, losing your things. Last week, General Rieekan found your lightsaber stuck in between his and Ackbar's chair and a few days ago, they found it on top of _Home One._ How the Force did you manage that?

**Beep**

My Son, please reconsider joining me. As for cutting off your hand, you wouldn't give up so what was I supposed to do? Ahem, anyway, I'm sorry for that and to be truth my hand slipped. It was an accident, honest!

But please reconsider, I will await for your reply.

**Beep**

Luke, Wedge here, I'm serious when I say this but it was Wes's fault, I didn't do anything.

**Beep**

Wes here, it was Wedge, I swear it was, I didn't do…oh, hi Wedge. No, I'm just ordering some pizza. You want some? All right, make that two large pizzas with extra pepperoni and garlic on one of them. Thanks.

**Beep**

Kriff, kid, pick up your comlink or did you lose that too?

**Beep**

Commander Skywalker, Mon Mothma here. Why in the world is Wes Janson running down the hallways of _Home One_ screaming, "Luke's gay!" all the time?

And are you?

**Beep**

Wedge put me up to it!

**Beep**

Wes did it by himself and tried to get me to do it!

**Beep**

Commander Skywalker, I was only asking, you don't need to take that tone with me. And I may not know much Huttese but I'm pretty sure "bantha poodoo sleemo" is an insult so please do not say that to me again.

**Beep**

Kid, what's Wes doing in the Medbay? There didn't look to be anything wrong with him?

**Beep**

Mr. Skywalker,

The information you requested has not been found yet but we are still searching for it. When we find the information, we will send it to you as you requested. Just remember it is a twenty-five credit fee to pay for the information and the shipping of it.

Your friends at the Mos Eisley Search Services and Co.

Remember, the fee must be paid up front.

**Beep**

Luke, my Son, what's this I hear about you requesting information form the MESS? They are a bunch of idiot who couldn't find information if it was right underneath their nose! I don't know what you're looking for, son, but I suggest try the Galaxy Search Services and Co., they actually _look _for the information.

By the way, what are you looking for anyway?

**Beep**

Mr. Skywalker,

Your book, _Flying for Dummies_, is 310 days over due and your fees stand at 1552 credits. Please have the money sent to us before the end of this decade if you would be so kind.

**Beep**

Commander Skywalker, this is Alyssa from MedBay, do you have any idea as to why Lt. Wes Janson is in here when there's nothing wrong with him?

**Beep**

Kid, why's there a Wookie sized picture of you in the Conference room? And why does it have "I'm a pansy" written all over it?

**Beep**

Don't kill me, please!

**Beep**

rawg rawwwwg rawwwg (Translation from Wookie: I took down the picture for you, you're welcome. By the way, what's a pansy?)

**Beep**

My Son, I was only asking you a simple question and you should know that I'm nearly fluent in Huttese so I do know of what you called me when we spoke. If you ever speak that way to me again, I will hunt you down and wash out your mouth with soap.

Though calling Palpatine a "idiotic bantha poodoo eating scarface sleemo" was kinda fun…No, I wasn't talking about him, get away from me, you incompetent idiot! (Static, the connection has been lost)

**Beep**

Kid, where are you? You said you would help clean out the _Falcon_ today and Chewie wants to give you your lightsaber back. How the kriff did you lose it in the _Falcon_ when you haven't been inside there since we left Bespin?

**Beep**

Luke, it's Leia, I'm going to kill you!!!!!!!!

**Beep**

Kid, you promised.

**Beep**

Wedge took it, not me! Please don't kill me!

**Beep**

Wedge here, Wes did it, I swear. Did he already contact you? Damn it, I'm going to kill him for setting me up.

Ah, unless you get to him first.

Poor Wes.

**Beep**

Why did I just see ya attacking Janson, Kid?

**Beep**

Sorry for accusing you, Luke. If I had known Wes stole that picture of me from you, I would have done more damage than you did.

Maybe I will still do it.

**Beep**

Ahhhh! Help me, Luke, help! I've got a crazy woman after m…Uh oh, I don't think I should have called Princess Leia crazy.

_In the background:_ what?! (Blaster fire and static sound, the connection has been lost)

**Beep**

My son, the offer to rule the galaxy as father and son still stands even though I am still pretty angry that you cursed me out that way and thought I didn't understand you.

I'm not an idiot.

**Beep**

Mon Mothma here, what in the world happened last night? You looked pretty out of it, have you been drinking?

**Beep**

Ha, Wes deserves what you're doing to him though I did warn you not to down Corellian whiskey.

By the way, Hobbie taped the whole thing from that day and, well, I can't seem to get the holocam back.

Please don't kill me!

**Beep**

My son, why in the world are holovids of you dressed in a pink tutu and singing a strange song called _Barbie Girl_? If you wanted some attention, you just had to ask, you didn't need to go through extra lengths to get someone's attention.

By the way, what the Force is _Barbie Girl_ supposed to be about?

**Beep**

Hobbie here, I'm sorry, Luke, I'm sorry. I didn't think it would spread through the HoloNet so fast. Wes told me to take the holocam with me, please don't kill me!

**Beep**

Tycho here, Luke, it was all Hobbie, Wes was too drunk last night to even think about bringing a holocam.

**Beep**

I didn't do it, I didn't, ah crap, Han's here, I'm out.

**Beep**

Kid, don't worry, I took care of Derek, or Hobbie or whatever the kriffing hell his name is, for you and Chewie's working on deleting the movie from the HoloNet.

No need for thanks, Kid.

Though you still owe me, you haven't cleaned out the _Falcon_ yet.

Solo out.

**Beep**

Mon Mothma here, do you have any idea as to why there was glue and pink paint on all of the seats in the conference room? I have a funny feeling Janson had something to do it.

**Beep**

Hahahaha, thast wash sho funnish, Ish wuff doinish thatshs nad Ish sho happshi…(Translation from unknown language: Hahaha, that was so funny. I love doing that and I'm so happy…)

**Beep**

Wedge here, Wes just passed out in the middle of leaving a message for you. Yeah, he drank way too much too early and I can't even make out what he's trying to say. I do know that he was the one that put glue and pink paint on the seats in the conference room.

How the blazes he did that drunk, I do not know.

**Beep**

My Son, I'm glad that holovid has been deleted from the HoloNet though I'm still wondering as to how someone was able to make you do that. I wasn't that much of a pansy that I would give in to someone else's everyone whim and…What in the world are you doing in my private chambers? Yes, I did tell you to inform me when we dropped out of hyperspace but next time, _knock!_ What was that? I understand Huttese, you incompetent idiot! (Static, connection has been lost)

**Beep**

Kid, I found your lightsaber, _again_, and this time it was hidden in the woman's refresher. How the kriffing hell did you get it in there?

Solo out.

**Beep**

It was Wes, WES DID IT!

**Beep**

Is this Commander Skywalker? If it is, finally, I've been trying to get a hold of you forever but why aren't you answering my calls? Gee, I only ask for one drink and you go all kamikaze on me and why did you give me the comlink number of someone called Janson?

**Beep**

Hey, did you receive a call from a Blaze? She was trying to contact you earlier but kept getting me.

**Beep**

Mr. Skywalker,

We have received a report on your abilities in piloting and we have decided, after months of looking through rejection piles for a right candidate, we have decided to give you a call. If you are interested in joining the Imperial Starfleet, please contact me at 999-999-9999.

**Beep**

I'm going to kill Wedge!

**Beep**

It's Blaze again, just wanted to let you know that the next time you ever call me back and insult me, I will hunt you down, slice you open with a vibroblade and toss your remains into the depths of space. I don't care who the kriff you are!

**Beep**

I take it things didn't go well with Blaze. Well, oh well, I doubt she'll be able to find you.

**Beep**

Mr. Skywalker,

The Imperial Academy could use you and perhaps you shouldn't call back while you're drunk or in a bad mood. The Empire will not stand for that!

**Beep**

Mr. Skywalker, your book, _Dealing With Sith Lord Fathers,_ has come in and will be held at the Naboo Archives until next week. Please come pick it up as soon as you possibly can.

Thank you.

**Beep**

My son, excuse my earlier outburst. The offer still stands.

By the way, this person known as Blaze just stopped by and asked your location. I'm starting to wonder if she's stupid for walking straight into my Star Destroyer as if she owned the place.

Strike that, she is stupid…What in the world are you doing in my private communication chambers? What's it to you who I'm talking to? I'm the one in charge here. How dare you call me a incompetent idiot in a metal suit? Anakin's DEAD! How the hell did you know about that? You're this close to overstepping your boundaries, you idiot. If you don't shut up, I'm going to slice your head off! What's that? Ah crap, the comlink's still on, isn't it? Great.

**Beep**

Blaze here, ha, your dad is so stupid.

**Beep**

It's Blaze again, of course I know what happened. I'm an all seer and I…ah crap, Vader's waking up, bye!

**Beep**

My Son, as I said before, the offer still stands and no, I was not going to kill this Blaze. What's all this talk about an all seer? I've never heard of such a thing.

**Beep**

Kid, why is there pink and purple pant on the _Falcon_? I'm going to kill you when I get my hands on you. What was that, Chewie? Oh okay, I'll kill Wes then, where is he?

**Beep**

Leia here, Luke, the council wants to speak with you, they say it's time for our assault on the Empire.

**Beep**

* * *

**~* That was the first chapter and I hope you like it. I tried to make it as humorous as I possibly could without bring in too many random aspects and allusions. Please review and I'll post the next chapter as soon as I possibly can but I doubt it will be until next week.**

**~Blaze~**


	2. Anakin Skywalker's Voicemail

**Blaze: finally I was able to do the next chapter**

**Darth: it's about time**

**Blaze: well, I was busy with **_**Echoes of the Past**_**, **_**Keeping Faith, Book I: Exile**_**, **_**Salvation In Silence,**_** and all of my other stories**

**Darth: I can see that**

**Blaze: here's chapter 2 and I hope that you like it**

**

* * *

**

**Voicemail**

**By xXJedi Knight BlazeXx**

**

* * *

**

_Anakin Skywalker's Voicemail_

During_ The Clone Wars_

* * *

_Hello, you have reached the voicemail box of Jedi Knight Anakin Skywalker, also known as the Hero With No Fear, the Chosen One or Blast It, Anakin, Did You Lose Your Lightsaber Again, if you are talking to my melodramatic former master. I am not here to receive your message because I am either fighting Separatists, arguing with my former master, teaching my Padawan how to hotwire starships or…what are you doing here, Master? You just noticed that I called you melodramatic. Well, you are melodramatic. Yes, I know this doesn't sound professional but I'm running out of…_

**Beep**

Anakin, it's Obi-Wan. For one, you need to come up with a better message, Master Windu is not happy at finding out you are teaching Ahsoka how to hotwire starships. By the way, what was your lightsaber doing in Black Sun's territory?

Then again, I don't want to know.

And I'm NOT MELODRAMTIC!

**Beep**

'Soka here, Master, Master Windu wants to talk with you about what happened to his speeder earlier today. I'm telling you, I didn't do it, I didn't, I swear.

**Beep**

Windu here

You'd better teach your apprentice some manners before she ends up burning the temple down. Last night I caught her trying to roast marshmallows in the Temple's kitchens and she nearly burned part of the kitchen. We were only lucky Master Unduli happened to be in the area.

By the way, why the Force is my speeder painted pink?

Windu out

**Beep**

It's 'Soka again, I didn't do it!

**Beep**

Mr. Skywalker,

Coruscant's Medical Facility would like to remind you that your check-up is scheduled for this Friday at 1300 hours. Please do not be late and rest assured your insurance shall cover this check up.

**Beep**

Anakin, it's Palpatine. I have been waiting to speak with you since the Battle of Praestilyn but you have as of yet to answer my calls.

Call me back as soon as you receive this message.

By the way, Master Kenobi was just in here asking where you were and he told me that you haven't answered his calls either and he said he wanted to return the lightsaber you lost in Black Sun's territory.

How the blazes did you manage that?

What the blazes were you doing in Black Sun's territory?

And did you lose your comlink too?

**Beep**

Yoda this is.

Find you I cannot.

But found a Nabooian blaster I did.

Doing with a Nabooian blaster what are you?

And you where are?

**Beep**

Ani, where the hell are you? No one can seem to find you. Did you disappear off the face of Coruscant or what? I hope you're not on one of the moons. And why aren't you answering your comlink?

And Obi-Wan said he found your lightsaber, did you lose that again?!

**Beep**

Everyone is looking for you, Skywalker. They even called me to ask me if I had you. Report to Yoda before he comes looking for me.

Dooku out

**Beep**

Grievous here

Why the hell are the Republic calling me looking for you, you idiot?

Contact the Republic and tell them to leave me alone!

**Beep**

Hello, this is Blaze.

Gee, everyone's looking for you. We, the witches of Dathomir, the Separatists, the clones, the Jedi, and even this random ghost is looking for you, who goes by Darth Maul.

Wait, Darth Maul's ghost disappeared when a guy known as Qui-Gon's ghost appeared.

Dang, even dead people are looking for you.

Uh, don't ask how I know all this.

But where the hell are you?

**Beep**

General Skywalker, it's Commander Cody.

I do not know if you can receive this message but I found something of yours and you'd better contact me before Senator Amidala finds out.

Cody out.

**Beep**

Panaka here, Senator Amidala is most concerned for your whereabouts. She has ordered the entire Nabooian fleet to look for you.

Where the hell are you?!

**Beep**

Windu here

Why the hell are the people of Naboo and Coruscant tearing the respected planets apart looking for you?

Windu out.

By the way, who the hell painted my speeder pink?!!!

**Beep**

Master Anakin, it's Threepio.

Artoo says he cannot find you anywhere and he is going to pilot your starfighter to go looking for you. I do not think that is wise.

Get back here as soon as possible.

**Beep**

010101010101111101010 010101010111101010110 0101011111010101 011111101010101 0101010 010101 0110101010 010 101 01 01100101010 (Translation from binary: Master Anakin, I want to find you but Threepio locked me out of your starfighter. By the way, if your starfighter's here, where are you?)

**Beep**

(Translated from Huttese: the Republic called me looking for you. Get back there and tell them to leave me alone, I was taking a nap!)

**Beep**

Grievous here again,

This protocol droid named See-Threepio keeps bugging me, get back to Coruscant and tell them to leave me alone. I didn't take you, tell them that!

**Beep**

Dooku here

I don't have you on Geonosis.

Shit, I just told them where I was.

Well, then again, no one seems to know where your comlink is so they probably didn't get this message.

Well, I'd better move on anyways

**Beep**

This is Alex, a technician from Mustafar.

Your appointment is long overdue.

And who the hell is Dooku? He's looking for you.

**Beep**

Mr. Skywalker

This is a representative of QuickStar. Your order for seventeen pounds of caf is in, please come to Corellia to pick it up within the next week. The total cost is 7855 credits and it must be paid in Republic credits.

By the way, why the hell is this Dooku person looking for you?

**Beep**

Ani, it's Padmé, where the hell are you? This insurance company called me telling me that you are past due on your payments.

Call me back!

And what kind of insurance is this?

It better not be life insurance.

**Beep**

Windu here.

Some life insurance company called saying that you put me as a representative of yours. Well, tell your insurance company that it better have auto insurance because you're going to repaint my speeder.

Windu out

P.S NOT PINK!

**Beep**

Windu here again

Sorry about that, Commander Cody just admitted he painted my speeder pink. He thought it was yours. You didn't hear from me.

**Beep**

Commander Cody here, General.

I did not paint his speeder pink, I tried purple but it faded to pink somehow. I'm going to have a little talk with your apprentice. She told me to do it.

Cody out

**Beep**

'Soka here, did Commander Cody get a hold of you? He's lying! I didn't tell him to do it, Palpatine did!

**Beep**

There's a rumor saying I ordered Cody to paint Master Windu's speeder pink. We'll keep it on the down low but it was Grievous.

**Beep**

Obi-Wan here, Anakin, where are you?

Grievous, Dooku, Palpatine, and this witch named Blaze are bugging me trying to find you. Where the blazes are you?

And I still have your lightsaber.

**Beep**

Yoda this is again!

Several civilians saw you painting DX on the side of the Temple, this was you?

To the Temple report immediately.

**Beep**

'Soka here, it wasn't ME! I DID NOT FRAME YOU! REX DID IT!

**Beep**

Captain Rex here, it wasn't me, General, I swear, I have been helping this witch Blaze try to find you.

Rex out.

**Beep**

Padmé here, don't tell me you put DX on the Temple again please?

By the way, what the hell does DX stand for?

**Beep**

Grievous here

I took a nap and someone left a note saying _Skywalker was here_ and painted DX on me!

If I find out you did this, I'll hunt you down!

And why pink?!

**Beep**

Obi-Wan here

Did you paint DX on Grievous? He's telling everyone that he can get a hold of that you did. And Master Yoda and Palpatine are laughing their heads off.

Good job.

**Beep**

Windu here

First off, why the hell aren't you replying to us?

Second, I love the purple paint job on my speeder. How can you do that and are not replying to us?

**Beep**

Rex here, I repainted Mace's speeder, you're welcome

**Beep**

'Soka here, I helped Rex repaint Mace's speeder and did you like my little detail on Grievous? Sorry about the note but I had to say someone did it.

Don't ask how I was able to do that without him knowing.

**Beep**

(Translation from Huttese: STOP WAKING ME UP!!!!!!!!!)

**Beep**

101010101 01010100110101011010 00 011010101010101010 010 001010101010100101010110 101010101 0101 1101 010 1010101 01010 10101001 DFK 1101010110 DFK 8FD (Translation from Binary: I still cannot get into your starfighter and I don't know where the hell Threepio is. I don't know where the hell you are at! I'm confused)

**Beep**

Threepio here

I had to change the codes for your starfighter because Artoo kept insisting on looking for you.

By the way, how do you take a restraining bolt off of an astromech droid?

**Beep**

Boba Fett here,

Gee, everyone thinks I kidnapped you. I'm a kid, how the hell can I kidnap a Jedi? But still, where the hell are you?

**Beep**

Bail here

I know you are not on Alderaan because I had the entire security force looking for you. The only place that I can think of you being is Tatooine but I know you won't go back there.

**Beep**

Obi-Wan here

I'm getting visions of sand, are you on Tatooine? But then I'm getting visions of swamps, are you on Xagobah?

**Beep**

101010 01010101101110 010 10101 010 0 101 00 101 01 0 0101101 00 10 1010 1 0 (Translation from binary: this is your starfighter computer, get these droids away from me! They're going to overload my system. They keep locking and unlocking me!)

**Beep**

If anyone has my comlink? Please deliver it to Mos Eisley on Tatooine and if anyone can find Obi-Wan, tell him to meet me there. I, uh, accidentally crashed the starfighter on Tatooine.

Don't tell Mace 'cause it was his starfighter

**Beep**

If you don't have your comlink, Anakin, then who does? And who's been receiving all of these messages?

Well, either way, I need to find the person who has this comlink.

**Beep**

* * *

**What do you think?**

**Blaze: that was Anakin's voicemail**

**Darth: so who had his comlink?**

**Blaze: it will be revealed in chapter 4**

**Darth: ah okay**

**Blaze: so please review and I'll post chapter 3 as soon as I possibly can**


	3. Darth Vader's Voicemail

**Blaze: this is chapter 3**

**Darth: yeah**

**Blaze: I hope you like this one and yes it is short**

**Darth: that's cool**

**Blaze: what's the matter with you?**

**Darth: cappuccino withdrawals**

**Blaze: ah (hands Darth a cappuccino)**

**Darth: thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, qapla**

**Blaze: huh? Never mind, here's chapter 3**

**

* * *

**

**Voicemail**

**By xXJedi Knight BlazeXx**

**

* * *

**

_Darth Vader's Voicemail_

* * *

_Hello you have reached the voicemail box of the Lord Darth Vader, second in command to the Empire and…ah hell, just leave a message after the beep._

**Beep**

What kind of message is that, Lord Vader?

Have some pride in the dark side?

**Beep**

Why Anakin? Why Anakin? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why did you do it?

**Beep**

I'm still here!

**Beep**

Find me you cannot.

Hee, hee, hee, hee

**Beep**

We blew up the Death Star, we blew up the Death Star, hahahahahaha

**Beep**

You were the Chosen One, I cannot believe I was so…what do you mean I can't call him on his comlink? That is what possessing is for. No, it's not inhumane to possess someone or something. Leave me alone.

**Beep**

Is this the Commander of the _Executor_? There's a bomb in your hyperdrive motivator, heeheeheehee.

Um, are you sure this is the commander's number because the voicemail message sounded a lot like Lord Vader?

Ah kriff, this is Lord Vader's comlink isn't it?!

I'm going to kill you Jansen

**Beep**

This is Luke Skywalker, you killed my father, prepare to die

**Beep**

The Force didn't save me, how come you lived?

**Beep**

Lord Vader, it's your master. Why haven't you replied to my message? God, it's like that day during the Clone Wars all over again when no one could find y…what do you want? I'm kinda busy here, don't you see? No, I don't want coffee. Go to the store and get be a danish. What do you mean someone wants to see me? Well tell them to wait. Where was I? Right, call me back.

**Beep**

This is Commander Cody, I am looking for Lord Vader, your shuttle has been highjacked and the _Executor _has a huge DX on it. And this little green goblin is floating around. And no I'M NOT SEEING THINGS!

**Beep**

Captain Rex here, Lord Vader, Commander Cody has been tipping the Corellian whisky too much these days.

**Beep**

I HATE YOU!

**Beep**

This is Princess Organa, we blew up your Death Star, we blew up your Death Star and we also blew up that mind probe of yours, it didn't work anyway.

**Beep**

Mustafar technician here, your rent on the lava pit is overdue. You owe 75000 credits, due Monday.

**Beep**

This is the Mustafar's Technician's assistant, I'm just going to put in that you paid those credits.

Please don't kill me!

**Beep**

Mr. Skywalker, er I mean Lord Vader,

You owe us 6 billion credits for the damage you did to our starport and we would like that…what do you mean by that? Hey, he may be second in command to the Empire but he still has to pay those credits. We charged the Emperor last year.

(_In the Background:_ yeah and look what happened to your boss when you did that.)

I thought he paid the fine!

**Beep**

Lord Vader, it's your master again. Mos Eisley called me to tell me that you owed them six billion credits, what's that all about? By the way, you haven't given me the report on the search for the…no I don't want a cappuccino, nor a caf. Leave me alone! I thought Ziro was dead. Well, either way, tell him I'm busy. Who's this Blaze that wants to talk to me? Do you have any idea who this Blaze is, Lord Vader?

**Beep**

Blaze here, you're so stupid

**Beep**

Stupid, stupid, stupid

**Beep**

It's Blaze again, I ain't scared you, you dumbass

**Beep**

Boba Fett here, WHERE'S MY MONEY?!

**Beep**

I destroyed the Death Star, I destroyed the Death Star, too bad you weren't on it!

**Beep**

Blaze here again, if you ever insult me again, I will slice you in half with a vibroblade. I don't care who the kriff you are.

**Beep**

Hahahahaha hahahahahah, DX hahahahah DX on _Executor_, hahahaha

**Beep**

(Translation from Binary: idiot!)

**Beep**

This is trooper TK-7250, I have received word from a woman called Blaze. She wants to see you right away, where are you, my Lord?

**Beep**

This is Commander Rex, do you know where Ahsoka is?

**Beep**

Rex again, I was just asking.

**Beep**

This is Commander Pelleaon, Lord Vader, we have received word that your shuttle is floating upside down outside of the _Executor_ with a big DX on it. Do you want us to tow it in or what?

**Beep**

It's your master again, Lord Vader. God, don't you ever answer these things. It reminds me when you were younger and always lost things.

Don't tell me you lost your damn comlink again!

By the way, a Luke Skywalker called and said he has your lightsaber? I'm pretty sure he wasn't looking for you but oh well.

**Beep**

Obi-Wan here, I'm back, heeheeheehee. Do you remember Jar-Jar Binks? He's here with me? He's got a message for you.

**Beep**

Mesa so happy to talk to you, mesa sparkly, sparkly, yay!

**Beep**

Lord Vader, pick up your comlink already! I have a message of the utmost importance for you. Ah hell, trooper, get me Admiral Ozzel's comlink number, Lord Vader never answers his.

**Beep**

This is the Emperor's Hand.

The Emperor is getting angry with you, _LORD _Vader. He asked me to call you and give you a message, CALL HIM!

**Beep**

Obi-Wan here, hope you liked your conversation with Jar-Jar Binks, he wants to talk to you again.

**Beep**

Mesa so happy to talk to you again. Are you still my little Ani? Yousa not Ani, yousa robot!

**Beep**

Qui-Gon here, Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?

**Beep**

Luke Skywalker here again, you shall die! Wanna meet at Mustafar?

**Beep**

Mustafar tech calling, you have to pay for the damages done to our establishment the night the Empire rose, estimated total cost 17.5 trillion credits

**Beep**

Lord Vader, it's about time you called me back. Did you lose your comlink or what? And why the hell did you tell me that you were on Tatooine? I don't give a crap if you were visiting your mother's grave! Get back to finding those pesky reb…no, I'm not hungry right now. Get away from, you incompetent idiot (static, the connection has been lost)

**Beep**

Jax here, what do you mean by Lord Vader? What happened to my friend Anakin? Did you kill him or what, you bastard?

**Beep**

Blaze here, hahahahahahaha

**Beep**

Admiral Ozzel here, my Lord, why is there a teenager girl prancing down the hallways of the _Executor_, painting DX everywhere and saying that she's your niece?

**Beep**

Blaze here, hahahahahahaha, ah, you got love the Jedi Mind Trick

**Beep**

Solo here, you tortured Leia, I'm going to kill you for that.

Uh, not that I care about her or anything.

Solo out

**Beep**

Lord Vader, we need to go over our attack plan on the Rebellion and…what do you mean my credits are up on my comlink? I paid it yesterday. What do you mean my check bounced? Do you have any idea who you're talking to, you idiot? (static, the connection has been lost)

**Beep**

* * *

**A/n what do you think?**

**Blaze: yeah, I know that was a shorter chapter but oh well**

**Darth: I thought it was funny**

**Blaze: yeah, so did I**

**Darth: who's next?**

**Blaze: I'm going to flip a coin, heads Obi-Wan, tails Dooku (flips coin) heads, Obi-Wan it is**

**Darth: cool**

**Blaze: please review and I'll post chapter 4 as soon as I possibly can but I doubt it will be anytime soon**


	4. ObiWan Kenobi's Voicemail

**Blaze: here's chapter 4**

**Darth: that's cool**

**Blaze: yeah**

**Darth: so**

**Blaze: yeah, here's chapter 4 and I hope that you like it**

**

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**

**Voicemail**

**By xXJedi Knight BlazeXx**

**

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**

_Obi-Wan Kenobi's Voicemail_

During_ The Clone Wars_

* * *

_Hello, you have reached the voicemail box of Jedi Master Obi-Wan Kenobi, otherwise known as the Negotiator. I am not here to take your message right now because I am busy keeping my hot-headed former Padawan from leaping straight into the middle of danger or fighting Separatists. Please leave a message and…What the hell are you doing, Anakin? No, this is my message. Get away from here. No, I don't have anything to eat, go to the Temple's kitchen. Oh shut up, I'm about to run out of tim…_

**Beep**

Hello Master, so did you ever find out who took my comlink?

And how the hell did my lightsaber end up in Black Sun's territory? I thought for sure I had left it in the Senate building when I was speaking with Supreme Chancellor Palpatine.

Also, when the hell are you going to come pick me up? Force, I hate this blasted rock and…what was that? Damn, I'm out of time, Master, I'll call you back later

**Beep**

Master Jedi, it's Senator Amidala, did you ever find Anakin because I can't find him?

**Beep**

Hello Obi-Wan, it's Satine. You haven't replied to any of my messages, do you not like me anymore since we parted ways after the crisis on Mandalore? Give me a call back please, I eagerly await your reply.

**Beep**

Master Unduli here, Obi-Wan, why was Anakin Skywalker's apprentice prancing down the hallways, painting pink all over the walls?

And has Skywalker returned yet?

Scratch that, I just saw him enter the Jedi Temple.

**Beep**

Thanks a lot Master, I had to hitch a ride on a random freighter to get back to Coruscant. And what's the big fuss about? I hear Palpatine, Senator Amidala, Mace, Ahsoka, you, Dooku, Grievous and this random witch named Blaze were looking for me. I was just on Tatooine paying my respects to my mother.

By the way, do you still have my lightsaber?

And did you ever find my comlink?

No, never mind, Jax had it all along.

**Beep**

Windu here,

We found Skywalker and he's pretty confused by everyone's frantic search for him when he was just on Tatooine paying his respects to his mother and…wait a minute. WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN YOU CRASHED MY STARFIGHTER ON TATOOINE? AND WHY THE HELL DIDN'T YOU TAKE YOUR STARFIGHTER?

(_In the background:_ I accidentally locked myself out of it and I couldn't find Artoo!)

**Beep**

'Soka here, thank the Force Anakin's back but he's still looking for you. Please don't tell me you disappeared off the face of Coruscant as well.

**Beep**

Satine here, thanks for giving me a call back and I understand that you are busy but you could at least call once or twice.

**Beep**

Windu here

Excuse my earlier outburst but Anakin is going to have to buy me a new starfighter and…hey! What are you doing? Get away from my speeder! Rex and Ahsoka just barely repainted that, Skywalker, don't you dare…That does it, you'd better come and get your former apprentice before I toss him into the depths of space!

**Beep**

Anakin here, hahahahaha, that was hilarious and…who are you? Oh, thanks. Um, why were you searching for me? I don't know you. Um, I wasn't yelling. No, I wasn't. I'm telling you I wasn't yelling! Oh God, that time I did yell but…don't cry, please don't cry. I gotta go, Master.

**Beep**

'Soka here, hahahaha, Anakin is back to his usual tricks though Mace is about ready to toss him into space.

Um, I'd better go before Anakin upsets another witch of Dathomir

**Beep**

Satine here

Sure I would like to go out to dinner but not on Corellia.

By the way, did you ever find your wayward former apprentice?

**Beep**

Anakin here, why haven't you given me my lightsaber again? And don't go on with that 'this weapon is your life' crap, I get it! And…hmmm? What was that? I'm kinda talking with someone right now. Okay, okay, don't yell. Sure, we can get a caf when I finish with this message. Yeah, I know I'm still on it. What's that got to do with anything? I'm just taking someone out to get a caf, that's not against the Jedi Code. If it where, great, I don't want my melodramtic, overly sensitive stubborn, not listening master to shove it down my throat. Um, my comlink's still on, isn't it? Crap

**Beep**

'Soka here, I think I just saw Skyguy running down the streets of Coruscant into a cantina. Yeah, on second thought, I don't wanna know.

**Beep**

It's Commander Cody, General, General Skywalker tells me that you got pretty mad at him for the insults he threw at you. I just wanted to let you know that if you don't get General Skywalker soon, he's going to…whoa! That was one big crash!

**Beep**

It's Captain Rex, General, General Skywalker accidentally crashed General Windu's speeder into a nearby cantina. Uh, I think he hit the whisky to hard.

**Beep**

WOOHOOO! WHAT A THRILL!

**Beep**

Windu here

GET YOUR WAYWARD FORMER APPRENTICE BACK TO THE JEDI TEMPLE BEFORE HE DESTROYS ANOTHER OF MY BELONGINGS!

**Beep**

Master Kenobi, it's Palpatine. Why was Anakin dancing down the hallways of the Senate building singing "I'm a pretty butterfly" over and over again? I think he drank too much at the cantina next to the one he crashed into.

By the way, the owner of that cantina is suing you to pay for the damages Anakin caused.

**Beep**

Yoda this is,

Drunk your former Padawan is.

Annoying the senators, singing a song called "It's a small world" over and over again he is.

Get him back to the Temple you will now!

**Beep**

It's a small world after all, it's a small world after all, It's a small world after all, it's a small world after all, It's a small world after all, it's a small world after all, It's a small world after all, it's a small world after…

**Beep**

'Soka here, Master Skywalker finally passed out but I need help dragging him back to the Temple.

Oh never mind, Rex came by to help me.

Oh thank you, I think you're sweet too.

Aw, that's sweet, I like you too.

Uh, what was that? Crap, my comlink's still on isn't it? Great

**Beep**

Windu here

Skywalker has been put in his quarters so that he could sober up _before_ he destroys something else here.

By the way, the owner of that cantina your former Padawan crashed into is suing us, you're paying him, Obi-Wan, 'cause I'm not.

**Beep**

Yoda this is

Glad Skywalker's sobering up I am but pay for the damages done to the cantina you are, your Padawan he once was.

**Beep**

'Soka here, Skyguy just woke up and, well, he's a bit hungover and he's in a bad mood. I'll give you a warning, don't, whatever you do, don't do anything loud around him. I'm telling you, it's not worth it. I've got a knot in my head the size of an apple for waking him up.

**Beep**

WHY THE HELL DID YOU JUST COME RUNNING INTO MY ROOM, SCREAMING AT THE TOP OF YOUR LUNGS, PLAYING EVERYTHING LOUDLY AND THEN SLAMMING THE DOOR BEHIND YOU. WHEN I FIND YOU, I'M GOING TO TOSS YOU OFF OF THE JEDI TEMPLE!!!!!!

**Beep**

He doesn't mean that, Obi-Wan, he's just hungover.

**Beep**

This is Nala Guian, the owner of the cantina that Jedi crashed into. The charges have been dropped thanks to the gracious Supreme Chancellor Palpatine who paid for the damages but Jedi Skywalker is officially banned from this, and any other cantina, on Coruscant.

**Beep**

Obi-Wan Kenobi,

You cannot find me, mwahahahahahaha

**Beep**

Satine here, Obi-Wan. I hear you had a mishap with that wayward fellow Jedi of yours. I do not like violence and therefore I do not care for what happened to that cantina. If I were you, I would watch over that Jedi and make sure he doesn't end up destroying anything else.

**Beep**

Windu here

Skywalker yelled at me to leave him alone and then tossed his lightsaber at me, how he got that back I don't know. I think he's still hungover and I won't tolerate him doing that again. If he ever gets drunk again, make sure he sobers up _before_ he returns to the Jedi Temple.

Yeah, I'm entrusting that on you because you are the only one that he will listen to, other than Senator Amidala and Chancellor Palpatine but still.

By the way, Anakin still owes me a new starfighter and a new speeder.

**Beep**

Thank the Force that hangover is over but why is everyone glaring at me? What did I do? Ugh, I don't remember anything from the night before. The last thing I remember was talking with that witch from Dathomir Blaze and then nothing.

I guess that's what Corellian whisky does to you.

Yeah, I do remember that, tell Nala that I'm sorry.

**Beep**

Satine here, I'm afraid I'm going to have to cancel on that dinner date to Naboo. I have a meeting with the Neutral Planets on that day, maybe another time.

**Beep**

Mr. Kenobi,

Your reservations at the Theed Restaurant have been cancelled but if you would like, we will put you on the wait list and give you a call when a reservation is available.

**Beep**

'Soka here, Mace isn't happy. The minute Anakin was out of the Jedi Temple, he highjacked Mace's other speeder and hasn't been seen since.

**Beep**

Obi-Wan, Anakin's here and I think he's still a bit hungover. Do you want to come and give him a lift back to the Temple? And why did he come up in a pink speeder?

**Beep**

I'M GOING TO KILL SKYWALKER!

**Beep**

SCRATCH THAT, I'M GOING TO KILL THAT APPRENTICE OF HIS

**Beep**

Blaze here, hiya.

**Beep**

Windu here,

Commander Cody is angry at Skywalker for putting the blame for my speeder being pink and highjacked on him and then Skywalker told him that Ahsoka did it so now he's angry at Ahsoka.

Skywalker's here, I think I'm going to have a looooooooooooong talk with him.

**Beep**

Qui-Gon here. I'll make this quick before the Force and the other ghosts find out I'm possessing someone to talk to you. Ahem, anyway, what's this I hear about all the trouble Anakin's been in? Hahahahaha. At least he isn't out there killing innocent people and enforcing the will of a malicious and idiotic Sith Master. Hahahahahahaha, yeah, like that would happen. I'd better go, bye Obi-Wan.

**Beep**

**

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**

**A/n what do you think?**

**Blaze: for the next one, I want your opinion**

**Darth: yeah**

**Blaze: but it's going to be a specific era, I want to know which voicemail I should do next set in the Original Trilogy era**

**Darth: that's cool**

**Blaze: so please review and post who you want me to do next. Remember: Original Trilogy**

**Darth: okay**

**Blaze: please review and I'll post chapter 5 as soon as I possibly can but I doubt it will be anytime soon.**


	5. Han Solo's Voicemail

**Blaze: this one is Han's voicemail because five of my reviewers asked for him**

**Darth: ahem**

**Blaze: the next one is going to be Padmé and Leia will be chapter 7**

**Darth: why are you telling us this now?**

**Blaze: 'cause I'll most likely forget at the end of the chapter**

**Darth: ah bleh**

**Blaze: here's Han's Voicemail and I hope that you like it and sorry if it's short and not that funny, I couldn't think of anything else to put.**

**

* * *

**

**Voicemail**

**By xXJedi Knight BlazeXx**

**

* * *

**

_Han Solo's Voicemail_

After_ A New Hope_

* * *

_Hi, you've reached the voicemail box of Han Solo, I ain't in right now so leave a message and I'll get back to you when I want to. Kid…what are you doing here? Why not? It's supposed to be simple. Is to...is to...is to!_

**Beep**

Han, it's Leia, have you seen Luke anywhere 'cause I can't seem to find him?

Also, Wedge told me to tell you that he is still waiting for you to return his model Y Wing Fighter back to him.

**Beep**

Rawg raawg rawg (Translation from Wookie: hey, Han ol' buddy, Luke's looking for you. You didn't fall into a hole and disappear off the face of the galaxy did you?)

**Beep**

(Translation from Huttese: Solo, where is my money?)

**Beep**

It's Leia again, you don't have to get all mad. I was just asking for Wedge and I didn't know Janson was the one that took it, you scruffy looking nerfherder!

**Beep**

Hey Han, it's Luke. Did you by chance find my lightsaber? I can't seem to locate it and Mon Mothma wants me to patrol the area around our new base. I don't think it would be a good idea to go out there unarmed.

And Princess Leia looks pretty upset, did you get mad at her for no reason again?

**Beep**

When I find you, Solo, you shall pay!

**Beep**

Solo, it's Nizuk Bek, guard to the gracious Jabba the Hutt. His Excellency Jabba the Hutt demands that you pay him for the spice you lost on the Kessel Run. If you do not pay him within the next six months, he shall put a bounty on your head so high that you won't be able to go near a populated city for a very long time.

**Beep**

Hey Han, it's Luke again. Thanks for finding my lightsaber but how the hell did it end up in the main reactor of the _Falcon_?

By the way, Leia's looking for you.

As is Chewie.

And Threepio.

Don't ask, I don't know why Threepio is looking for you, I didn't bother asking because he talks too much.

**Beep**

Hello Captain Solo, it's See-Threepio. I just wanted to warn you that Princess Leia is pretty angry with you and she seems to be looking for you with a blaster in her hand. Might I ask, sir, what did you do to anger her this time?

**Beep**

You will not escape me again, Solo, I will find you.

Fett out.

**Beep**

(Translation from Huttese: If you don't give me my money this instant, I am going to find you and blast you into oblivion)

**Beep**

Rawg, rawg, rawg, rawg (Translation from Wookie: Han ol' buddy, Leia was just in here asking for you. I told her where you where, was I not supposed to? Well, I would have known if you had called me back? (Growls)

**Beep**

Hey Han, it's Luke. Why did I just see you running down the hallways with an angry Leia behind you? What did you do this time?"

**Beep**

I'll get you back for that, you nerfherder

**Beep**

This is Boba Fett,

I'll haunt you to the ends of the universe until you pay Jabba back because he's bugging the hell out of me.

Fett out

**Beep**

Is this Han Solo? This is the Emperor. Who the hell are you? Who the hell is Jabba the Hutt? Who the hell is Vader? Oh wait, I know who Vader is. I'm going to send Lord Vader down to make sure you pay off Jabba and…are you apart of the Rebel Alliance? Who am I talking to?

_(In the background:_ it's a prank caller, master)

**Beep**

I have no idea how you got the Emperor's number or how Fett got the Emperor's number but I will hunt you down.

By the way, do you know where Luke is? He knocked me out of the loop and then destroyed that damn battle station. I'll have to thank him for that, I hated that monstrous contraption.

**Beep**

Han, you scruffy looking nerfherder. I'm tired of Boba Fett leaving messages on my voicemail telling me to remind you to pay him. Pay him already! I gave you enough money to do so!

**Beep**

Han ol' buddy. Thanks for saving me during the Battle of Yavin but Jabba the Hutt, Boba Fett, and the damn Emperor has been calling me asking for you. You need to pay your bills. And where's that damn treasure Leia gave you?

**Beep**

Mr. Solo,

Your book, _Dealing with Hyperdrives,_ is 5245 days overdue, will you please return the book sometime this millennium?

**Beep**

Rawg rawg rawwg rawwgg rawawwwwg (Translation from Wookie: hey Han, why is Threepio looking for you? He said something about returning something to you but he can't find you and he won't tell me what it is.)

**Beep**

Captain Solo, it is See-Threepio, human cyborg relations. I have found something personal of yours and I would like to give it back to you but I cannot seem to find you. Where might you be? And have you seen Master Luke anywhere?

**Beep**

Han, do you know where Luke is? I can't find him

**Beep**

001011101000111010111101010 10101001 11001 11010 (Translation from Binary: hello Han, I just wanted to inform you that Master Luke is out flying his X Wing and patrolling the area. Will you please inform my annoying counterpart and Princess Leia because they seem to not want to answer their comlinks.)

**Beep**

(Translation from Huttese: Han Solo, you'd better pay me before I find you and kick your -censored- to the next -censored- galaxy. Yes, I am getting pretty -censored- off because you keep on coming up with -censored- excuses. Pay me right now!)

**Beep**

Fett here,

I will find you, Solo.

Fett out

**Beep**

Han, have you seen my lightsaber anywhere? I thought for sure I had brought it with me in my X wing but I can't seem to find it.

Great, I bet my father never had this much trouble with his lightsaber.

Man, I'm kinda hungry but Rieekan has me patrolling the area. Gee, and I only barely officially joined the Rebel Alliance not even a month ago.

Damn, I'm hungry.

Catch you later, Han.

**Beep**

When I find you, laser brain, I'm going to blast you into oblivion.

**Beep**

What did you do to anger Leia this time, Han?

**Beep**

Wes here, I swear it wasn't me, it was Wedge, I swear it. Please don't kill me

**Beep**

It wasn't me, it was Wes, I swear it, it was Wes, I didn't even know those items of Leia's had ended up in his possession.

**Beep**

It's Tycho, Wedge is telling the truth, it was Wes. Wes got drunk again and probably doesn't even remember taking Leia's stuff

**Beep**

Help me, Han, help me! Get this crazy woman away from me!

**Beep**

Damn, that's like the second time Wes has called me a crazy woman in only a few days. I'm going to blast him into oblivion, want to help?

**Beep**

Han ol' buddy, why is Leia chasing Wes Jansen around with a blaster in her hands?

On second thought, I don't wanna know.

**Beep**

**A/n what do you think?**

**Blaze: yeah, I know it wasn't that long or that funny but I couldn't think of anything else to do**

**Darth: bleh**

**Blaze: Undertaker!**

**Darth: yay!**

**Palpypie: who the hell is Undertaker?**

**Undertaker: (grabs Palpypie and tombstones him)**

**Blaze: (laughs) I don't own the WWE by the way. Please review and I'll post chapter 6, which is Padmé's voicemail from during the **_**Clone Wars.**_


	6. Padme Amidala's Voicemail

**Blaze: cool, finally a new chapter**

**Darth: it's about time**

**Blaze: oh shut up**

**Darth: yeah, yeah, yeah whatever**

**Blaze: (sighs) here's chapter 6 and I hope that you like it, reviews are much appreciated**

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**Voicemail**

**By xXJedi Knight BlazeXx**

**

* * *

**

_Padmé Naberrie Amidala Skywalker's Voicemail_

During _The Clone Wars_

_**

* * *

**_

_Hello, you have reached the voicemail box of Senator Padmé Naberrie Amidala. I am not here to take your message right now because I am either speaking with Supreme Chancellor Palpatine, arguing with a certain Jedi protector, you know who you are, or speaking with my fellow senators. Please leave a message and I'll…hmm? What was that, Threepio? Well tell him I'm busy. I am busy, Threepio. Great, I think I'm running out of…_

**Beep**

Mistress Padmé,

It's See-Threepio, human cyborg relations, and I didn't mean to intrude on you while you were recording your message. I really just wanted to tell you that Senator Organa wanted to speak with you. You didn't need to try and dismantle me.

**Beep**

Padmé,

Why in the world did you try to dismantle Threepio, love? I know he may be a bit annoying, okay 'a bit' might be an understatement but that's beside the point. All I'm saying is that if you dismantle him, it's going to take me forever to rebuild him and I might accidentally make him more annoying then he already is.

By the way, when can I see you again?

**Beep**

Senator Amidala, Palpatine here. Where in the world are you? I've been trying to reach you for the past three hours and I can't seem to get you on your comlink. Doriana and Pestage tried to do the same thing but they can't seem to get a hold of you.

Are you hanging out with a certain Jedi Protector again, Senator?

**Beep**

Mrs. Naberrie,

Your appointment at the Naboo Spa will be this Saturday at 1400 hours. If you are not there from within ten minute after the time mentioned above, your appointment shall be canceled.

Your friends at the Naboo Spa.

By the way, you will have to pay upfront for that.

**Beep**

Padmé, love, why in the world is Palpatine trying to get a hold of you through me? No one was supposed to know about us. Did you tell him about us? I sure hope not. I was planning on giving you something special this Friday but I might just reconsider that and…I have to go, Senator, my master is here. Just remember that Palpatine really wishes to speak to you. Bye.

**Beep**

Senator Amidala.

Why in the world was the Supreme Chancellor talking with Anakin about trying to reach you? I don't understand that at all and Anakin won't tell me about it. Are you two keeping something from me?

On second thought, I don't wanna know.

**Beep**

Senator Amidala, 'Soka here. I haven't talked to you in a while since that blue virus thingamajig and I thought I'd just stop by and say hi and…what do you mean by that? It wasn't my fault. I wasn't the one that painted it pink. It was Cody, I'm telling you it was Cody.

**Beep**

Senator Amidala, it's Bail. Where are you? The senator meeting was supposed to start an hour ago and Supreme Chancellor Palpatine is getting impatient.

Which isn't anything new really.

**Beep**

Hey there Padmé, do you want to go out with me to get a caf?

**Beep**

What's this I hear about some strange guy calling you to go out and get a caf? When I find out who this idiot is, I'm going to slice him into tiny pieces before tossing him out into the depths of space.

**Beep**

You don't know who this is. This is your knight in shining armor and…ah great, I'd better start running now, bye Padmé.

**Beep**

I really wish I had caught up with that idiot, Padmé love. Gee, it's seems that everyone is trying to get your attention even though you're _my_ wife. Well, then again, they don't know about that so I guess it's different. Oh well.

**Beep**

Mistress Padmé, it's See Threepio human cyborg relations. I wanted to let you know that the dinner you asked me to prepare for your return is ready though I must say cooking was one of the hardest tasks I've ever set out to do. I don't know why I was asked to do this but oh well.

**Beep**

What's this I hear about you asking Threepio to cook? I'm warning you now that you really shouldn't eat anything that Threepio tries to cook. When I was younger, while he was still in his working stages, I asked him to make me a simple sandwich and he spent three hours lecturing me on how to make a sandwich before he _burned_ the dang sandwich.

**Beep**

Senator Amidala,

Would you be so kind as to drop by the office sometime soon? I would really like to speak with you on matters concerning the next Senate meeting.

**Beep**

Mrs. Naberrie,

Your order of 5352 canisters of Nabooian Tea has arrived and will be held at the Theed Tea Market until Friday. The total cost comes to 5500 Republic credits that must be paid upfront. Thank you for doing business with the Nabooian Tea Company.

**Beep**

Mrs. Naberrie,

Your book, _Dealing With Reckless Jedi_, has arrived and will be held at the Nabooian Archives until Friday.

**Beep**

Padmé, where are you? I came by your apartment and you weren't there. Well, I left a message with Threepio and I'm sure he'll give it to you when you arrive again.

**Beep**

WHY DO YOU KEEP YELLING AT ME? I ONLY ASKED YOU OUT FOR A SIMPLE CUP OF CAF AND YOU GO ALL BALISTIC ON ME!

**Beep**

Who the Force was yelling at you? When I find that sleemo, I'm going to break his neck!"

**Beep**

Senator Amidala, do you have any idea as to why Anakin is running down the hallway, yelling out curses and threatening to break someone's neck. I thought he was banned from every cantina on Coruscant and yet he seems to be acting as though he's drunk.

**Beep**

Senator Amidala, it's Mace.

Um, I don't really understand this but Anakin keeps talking about you and some guy who was yelling at you and how he wants to break that guys neck. I don't know how but I think he may have had a bit too much to drink though I can't seem to see how considering he was banned from every cantina on Coruscant.

**Beep**

Senator Amidala, it's Palpatine. Do you have any idea as to where Anakin got that alcohol? He keeps threatening to break someone's neck but he just passed out in my office. I'm really confused. I thought he was banned from every cantina on Coruscant.

**Beep**

I'm a pretty butterfly, I'm a pretty butterfly. Woohoo, I feel like going for a drive.

**Beep**

Uh oh. Senator Amidala, I suggest you call Master Windu and warn him that Anakin's drunk, awake, and looking for a speeder go cruising in. We certainly don't want a repeat of what happened a few days ago when he crashed into that cantina.

**Beep**

Senator Amidala,

You shall die.

Gunray Out.

**Beep**

Senator Amidala, thank you for the warning but I'm afraid he somehow managed to get the speeder running even though I had locked him out of it. Ugh, Skywalker is such a nuisance! Why did I let Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan talk me into letting him into the Jedi Order?

**Beep**

Woohoo! WHAT A THRILL! I'M SO EXCITED RIGHT NOW THAT I COULD JUST GO FLYING THROUGH A RANDOM CANTINA. ON SECOND THOUGHT, I THINK I MIGHT JUST DO THAT.

**Beep**

Mistress Padmé,

I'm really sorry to inform you but Master Anakin managed to break the locks you placed on the fridge where you were keeping your wine and, well, that's kind of where he got the alcohol.

Pleasedon'tdismantleme.

**Beep**

Senator Amidala, this is Palpatine. Why in the world did I just see Anakin fly through four cantinas, your floor in the Senate Apartment Complex, through a window at the Jedi Temple before crashing into a random park lying north of the Temple?

**Beep**

Um, Senator Amidala. Are you sure you don't know where Anakin got the alcohol from? He was babbling just before he passed out but he keeps saying that he got it from your fridge. If he did then how in the world did he get into your apartment to get into your fridge for the alcohol?

**Beep**

Senator Amidala, I honestly don't wanna know where Anakin got the alcohol from but if it was from your fridge then I suggest that you get locks that can't easily be broke into. By the way, if it really was you that, accidentally, supplied Anakin with that alcohol then I'm going to have to request that you buy me a new speeder.

Windu out.

P.S Make sure this one is _not_ pink.

**Beep**

Anakin finally passed out and, since Mace insisted I don't keep him in the Temple until he's sober and not hungover, I was wondering if he could stay the night at your apartment. If that's all right with you, that is.

Kenobi out.

P.S make sure he doesn't get into the fridge again without supervision.

**Beep**

Senator Amidala, it's Palpatine, the Senate meeting is about to begin so I suggest you head on over to the Senate Building before I start the meeting without you. I certainly don't have the patience everyone seems to think I do so I suggest you hurry.

* * *

**A/n what do you think?**

**Blaze: that was the next chapter**

**Darth: that's cool**

**Blaze: yeah, the next one is Leia's**

**Darth: ah that's cool**

**Blaze: yeah so please review and I'll post the next chapter as soon as I possibly can but I doubt it will be anytime soon, reviews are, once again, greatly appreciated.**


	7. Leia Organa's Voicemail

**Blaze: yay, new chapter**

**Darth: it's about time**

**Blaze: oh shut up**

**Darth: what's the matter with you?**

**Blaze: Pepsi withdrawals**

**Darth: I see what you mean**

**Blaze: here's the next chapter and I hope that you like it and sorry if it isn't that funny, I was beginning to run out of ideas**

**

* * *

**

**Voicemail**

**By xXJedi Knight BlazeXx**

**

* * *

**

_Leia Organa's Voicemail_

After _A New Hope_

* * *

_Hello, you have reached Leia Organa, former Princess of the beautiful planet of Alderaan, former Senator in the Galactic Senate and now full time Rebel Leader of the Rebel Alliance. I am not here to take your message right now so if you'll please leave a message after the beep, I'll gladly get back to you. Hmmm? Oh I said message twice? Well, I'm not going to go back and change it. What's that supposed to mean? Oh shut up you stuck up, half witted scruffy looking nerfherder!_

**Beep**

Who's scruffy looking?

**Beep**

Princess Leia, it's Mon Mothma. Why is it that there is a betting pool between Rogue Squadron that you'll kiss Captain Han Solo before this war ends? And why is it that everyone is in favor of you kissing the Captain? Do you really like that scruffy looking man?

**Beep**

Hey Leia, I was wondering if you would like to join me for a cup of caf before the meeting with the other Rebel Leaders.

**Beep**

Hey Leia, have you seen the Kid? I last saw him speaking with Wedge and then, poof, he just disappeared into thin air.

Solo Out

By the way, who's scruffy looking?

**Beep**

Leia, have you seen my lightsaber? I can't seem to find it anywhere. Oh and have you seen my comlink? I had to use Wedge's in order to call and ask you.

**Beep**

Leia, Wedge is drunk again so if he calls you and says anything insulting, just ignore him. He does that all the time. I really need to try and find a way to keep the alcohol away from him.

**Beep**

Yousha a stupid slurp to go ga la la la la la, I'm a pretty butterfly. Pretty pretty butterfly.

**Beep**

Oh and he may be a bit high too. He started talking about speeders running on water.

**Beep**

Hey, Princess, did you know? They made a speeder and it runs on water, it runs on water, man! Woohoo! Speeder runs on water! I'm going to go fly a speeder now."

**Beep**

Uh oh, Wedge just highjacked a speeder and is now cruising outside our base and….

_CRASH!_

…just crashed into the side of the base.

**Beep**

That was awesome.

**Beep**

Princess Leia, the meeting has been postponed to tomorrow since Wes got a hold of a can of spray paint and spray painted something I will not repeat on the wall. It's going to take a while to clean off all of the spray paint. I thought for sure I had locked that cabinet.

**Beep**

Who spray painted 'scruffy looking nerfherder' on the_ Falcon?_

**Beep**

Princess, do you by chance have Luke's comlink number? I still haven't got a chance to thank him for destroying that stupid battle station of the idiot Emp…Who are you? Can't you see I'm talking on the comm? You can't? You're not blind, are you stupid? How dare you call me that? I can speak Huttese you (passage unable to translate from Huttese). Not get out of here!

**Beep**

Hello, is your refridgerator running?

Well, then you better go catch it!

Hahahahahahahaha

**Beep**

Wes is such an idiot, thinking he can be funny.

**Beep**

Have you seen the Kid, princess? He promised he'd clean out the _Falcon_ days ago and he still hasn't done it. And I'm not scruffy looking, your Worshipfulness!

**Beep**

Leia, why in the world is there a life size poster of you in a gold bikini on the wall of the conference room?

**Beep**

I'm going to KILL WEDGE!

Solo out

**Beep**

Scratch that last message, I'm going to KILL WES!

Solo out!

**Beep**

Rawwwwwg rawg rawwwggggg (Translated from Wookie: Leia, have you seen Han? He was supposed to attend the AA meeting right now but I can't seem to find him?)

**Beep**

Luke here,

What's this I hear about Han having to attend an AA meeting?

**Beep**

Thanks a lot, Princess. I told you not to sign me up for that AA meeting! I DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM!

**Beep**

Luke here,

I really think Han needs anger management. Have you ever considered signing him up for classes?

**Beep**

Did Luke tell you to sign me up for anger management classes? Don't bother, I get kicked out of them every time I enter them.

Solo out

**Beep**

Fett here,

You owe me money, Calrissian.

Fett out

**Beep**

Uh, Leia, how did Boba Fett get your number? And why in the world is he asking for Lando?

Solo out

**Beep**

Luke here

If Wes calls, don't bother listening to what he has to say, he's drunk…_AGAIN_. Gee, if there was anyone we should have sent to AA then it should have been Wes.

**Beep**

I DON'T need to go to an AA meeting. I do NOT have a problem.

**Beep**

Leia, why is there a life sized poster of you in a gold bikini hanging on the wall in the conference room with your number written all over it and why is it the same poster as last time?

**Beep**

Gee, Leia, I was only saying, you didn't have to bite my head off. And I did NOT put it up there.

**Beep**

What did Han do to anger you this time?

**Beep**

I know this is not Lando. I found Lando's number. Is this Han? If this is Han, I'm going to shoot you dead, Emperor Lover!

Fett out

**Beep**

This is Boba Fett,

Leia, whoever you are, you have one sweet sounding voice. I'm sorry about my message. Do you happen to know Han? And if so, leave him this message: Vader wants your hide! And you're mine!

**Beep**

Solo here,

What did I do to anger Vader this time?

Solo Out

P.S Did he find out about that incident at the Caridan Academy when I blew up the auditorium?

**Beep**

Leia Organa, where's Luke Skywalker? He blew up the Emperor's Death Star. I wanna thank him again. And where's Han? I'm still angry at him because he nearly shot me out of the sky.

(In the background: Lord Vader, who are you talking to?)

My wife, now leave me alone.

(In the background: Padmé's dead!)

How dare you? _Snap hiss, static, the connection has been lost_

**Beep**

GET YOUR PSCHOTIC DAD AWAY FROM…OOPS!

**Beep**

Captain Pellaeon here,

Please forget the Emperor's last message. He hasn't been taking his medication regularly so he's been saying a lot of crazy things.

(In the background: I DO NOT NEED MEDICATION! Get those dang medics in white coats away from…(thump))

**Beep**

Luke here,

Leia, have you seen Artoo?

(In the background: (series of beeps and whistles))

Never mind, he somehow got stuck in a garbage chute.

**Beep**

11100011101010110101011010101 (Translation from Binary: I did not get stuck in a garbage chute, Threepio put me in there!)

**Beep**

Princess Leia, Threepio here,

I did no such thing. Artoo's trying to frame me again. It was that Arfour unit, he hates him.

**Beep**

Rawwwggg rawwwg rrrrawwwgg rawwg (Translation from Wookiee: Chewie here, Leia. Can you front me a couple thousand credits? Han is in debt again, he lost at Sabacc. Oops, sorry, I wasn't supposed to let you know that.)

**Beep**

Solo here,

Leia, I do not need three thousand credits.

(Long pause)

Make it five.

**Beep**

**

* * *

**

**A/n what do you think?**

**Blaze: sorry about the short chapter but I was in a hurry since my dad had to go to school and I needed to get off his laptop. Please review and I'll post the next chapter as soon as I possibly can, the next chapter is going to be Dooku.**


End file.
